New Year New Me?

"THUS RESOLVED" UPDATE - DAY 1:  So, did I completely flake on my commitments the very first day? Not entirely, though I granted myself some bendings of the rules. Oh, if you haven't seen my New Year's video "No Landimal", click me!
Did I smoke the evil ganga weed? I did, but we are not going to count it. Basically, I decided to let myself smoke up until I went to sleep, then wound up staying awake for most of the day (which goes some way toward explaining why I am writing these "morning" pages at 11pm). Did I get out of my comfort zone? Yes, but not by design. I wound up driving with no license on the most cop ridden night of the year. Yes, that is lame and maybe shouldn't count, but I'm counting it anyway. Fuck you if you don't like it! XD
I am currently writing my morning pages, so that counts. Video wise, I have posted one and owe one more this week. My extra exercise today was using the pilates ball for about 20 minutes. My major cleaning task was laundry, which is under way at the moment. I didn't mention it in the video because it sounds stupid, but I also challenged myself to take a chunkiness-monitoring photo of me each day. No, I will not call it a "selfie". I took the photo today, but I don't much like it and won't be posting it. Wah, wah...
I still owe all 8 of my volunteer hours for January. I stuck to my pescatarian diet thus far, entirely vegetarian today as a matter of fact. I had eggs with pico and Hawaiian bread, veggie burgers and mushroom cheddar pizza.

Not Being Sure Sucks!

I think I'm generally a strong person, but I have to acknowledge that I'm insecure in certain situations. I say dumb things while under the influence of these insecurities, and today was no exception. Not content with simply putting my foot in my mouth, I went ankle-deep, and made things much worse... and it was all to do with uncertainty.  I'm working in changing my view of uncertainty, because even after all my insecure emotional investment this morning, I STILL don't know. Not knowing sucks. KNOWING that I don't know is actually freeing, and that's how I have to take it. Wish me luck, no more regrets...

-Modias

The Pros and Cons of Turning Metal Into Paper

In mid-October 2012, I was hired for the best job I have ever worked. It was with a company which is adjusting its standards and practices to be sustainable, with a zero-landfill-manufacturing goal. I was well paid, had full benefits, and was working with people who cared about many of the same things I do. I had my eye on executive track through the marketing department, planning to build at least a piece of my career there.

As with so many others, however, I was laid off in late April 2013, and things have been a little tight since then. Actually, scratch that. Things have been financially miserable since then. Having applied for unemployment which I have yet to receive, I had to do something about my bills. The only jobs I've found thus far would pay me less than what I am collecting through unemployment, yet unemployment itself cannot sustain me entirely.

That in mind, I came to a difficult realization yesterday: I would have to sell my car...

I listed it on Craigslist for a bit more than market value, only to make the sale four or five hours later for slightly less (right at market). That by no means indicates I made a lot of money. I didn't, and what I brought in is mostly spoken for already. This is because the car I sold, my primary source of transportation, was a 19-year-old Honda with well over three hundred thousand miles on it.

So now, on the one hand, I have my bills covered along with enough for incidentals and to help with transportation. On the other, my car is gone! I'm a little nonplussed about the sale for sentimental reasons also, as that car had been in my life for the better part of twenty years. My father drove it off the lot in 1994, and I was slated to get the car when I graduated high school. Dad changed his mind and kept the car, selling it to me a couple years ago, and I've driven it nearly every day since.

Every time I step out for a cigarette, I automatically glance at Margaret's parking spot (yes, my car's name was Margaret... Any "Regular Show" fans out there? XD ), only to see the rather sizable oil spot she left behind. I miss my Margaret, but perhaps soon I can turn the cash into a new old clunker to drip oil where she once did...

Winterenvy

This is what happens when I watch Finlarg’s videos…

…interspersed with periods of driving around in the wee hours of the morning, listening to electronica. Enjoy!

I think I have mentioned my tendency to get in my own way a few times before, and I became aware that I was doing it to myself again at around 4:30 this morning. I haven’t been sleeping well for the past several weeks, last night being no exception, but sleep is highly overrated. This is especially true if its absence allows for the singularly amazing experience of being outside in the quiet of pre-dawn. For a great many years, this particular time of the day was mostly relegated to the fearful attempts at introspection after a night of stimulant consumption from which anyone else I happened to be spending time with had already passed out. It’s easy to appreciate events: sunrises, sunsets, first kisses, last fights, etc. I have always found it a lot harder to revere periods of quietude or serenity, and I’m sure that has everything to do with my high-speed lifestyle which often prevents me from even noticing such times.

Today however, for whatever reason, I woke up at around 4:15AM, having gotten a whopping two-and-a-half hours of sleep. When I zonked, Finlarg’s video “What Christopher Hitchens Meant to Me” was playing. Bunny had gone to bed early, and I was lying on the couch having a mild case of the blues over never having had the opportunity to meet Hitch. Finlarg’s video happened to be the last one I clicked on, and it hooked me into his uploaded video playlist. When I woke up, one of Finlarg’s vlogs was on. It had been made in January of this year, he was dressed warmly and the crunch of frozen ground underfoot could be heard softly as he talked about the large Scottish pine he was passing.

I realized that I was sweating profusely in spite of the constantly running air conditioner, and that all I could remember of the winter was strife and getting a little sick in December. Bunny was here of course, but our financial woes at the time overshadowed the usual joy cold weather brings to both of us. We received less than an inch of snow throughout the entire season, and I can count on one hand the number of times I felt anything beyond a mild chill in the air. Not much of a winter at all, really; winter in name alone…

I realized with a smile that I envied Finlarg his English winter and his walk in the hills among the Scottish pine trees, and that sort of got the introspection ball rolling. (To be continued after I take a nap… Falling asleep at the keys, even with my abundance of sleep).

(C) Modias 2012.  This is a syndicated posting of my regular HubPages blog.